Don’t panic

A friend of mine is getting married in two weeks and that got me thinking. Three years ago, things didn’t look all that good for him. He just broke up engagement with his fiancée at the time, was working only part-time job with no real future or perspective in it and the business idea he had didn’t pan out. It surely looked like a time to hit panic button on life and question where all of it was going. I don’t know if he ever lost hope that things are going to get better but I do know that next year he started working on a new job where he met his wife to be and they just moved into new apartment (and are getting married as I mentioned already) and things are looking really great for him, for both of them. Suddenly, less than three years removed from when it all seemed like it will just fall apart his life is actually looking better than ever.

The things we want sometimes are not what is best for us. My friend didn’t end up marrying the girl he wanted, he doesn’t have the job he wanted or the life he wanted. Instead, he has something even better even though he didn’t plan any of it and it came from him losing all of it at one point. Even if things look bad it’s not a time to panic because sometimes the universe has plans for us that we just don’t understand from our perspective and if we’re patient enough we might get to live through those plans and find our happy place in this life. I think that is much better alternative than to just completely lose faith. I know because at the same time my friend was dealing with changes in his life, my life was completely falling apart.

Three years ago, my brother was diagnosed with a cancer and six months later he died. I was there for all of it: when he called from the hospital to tell us, when we all hoped that there was some mistake in the results, when we realized that it was no mistake and that it was very real, when he was struggling to deal with his illness, when he started chemo and it felt worse than the actual illness and I was there when he died. It felt like someone ripped out part of my soul where happiness resided and I could never get it back. My whole family was devastated and it didn’t feel like we’re ever going to get over it.

The loss made me question my whole life and the image I got in my head was absolutely horrible. I was without a job, without money, in debt and there was sign that things are going to get better at all, it actually felt that it was only going to get worse. I was just overwhelmed and had no idea at all how to deal with any of it so I panicked. I panicked a lot. I felt like I was running out of time and had no idea what to do to stop that feeling. With every passing day, it just felt like the hole beneath me just got bigger and soon there would be no way out of it.

My healing process didn’t include getting a job where I will meet the love of my life. It did include me moving to a different part of the country for a job that didn’t work out in the end but it ended up being huge catalyst in the changes that were about to come. During six months I spent on this job I met some amazing people that helped me deal with the pain of loss I just suffered and they showed me another way in life, a more happy and meaningful life. It gave me great base for my next steps in life: me going back home to work on a job that I never wanted but ended up enjoying, me getting transferred from that job to another job that ended up being even better, me getting pretty fat, me changing all my life habits for a new clean and healthy life style, me finding solace and comfort in spirituality, me losing more than 20 kilograms of weight and becoming fit for the first time in my life… Basically, I had to tear almost everything that I was before so it can be recreated and rebuilt. I never planned for any of it, it just happened.

Things worked out for me. I’m still waiting for the end result but I can honestly say that, even though the pain from loss of a brother will follow me for the rest of my life, I’m as happy as I can be. There are still challenges that I have to work on but it feels like they are just a part of one big fun game now and even if things don’t go my way I try not to panic because I feel like everything is just going to be fine in the end. Even if that fine doesn’t include me getting the things I want in life.

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